Why Being A Twin Has Ruined My Life

WHAT?!?

I know what you're thinking.
1) I'm the most treacherous twin in the world, and should have my twin-ship removed for saying such a blasphemous thing.
2) How could I hate being a twin? Most people would cut off their left pinky toe to be a twin.

Come on, people. I don't hate being a twin. I really love it--minus when I had to share that womb back in '89. One of us never really learned how to share, so the other of us got the short end of the stick.
In any case, to make my point:
Little did you know, but being a twin leaves you with a very serious disease that the locals call "twin-syndrome". Never heard of it? It's okay, I made it up. But like all diseases (whether they be real or fake), it comes with symptoms.

Symptom #1: The inability to go to the grocery store by yourself without tons of self-discipline. 

Hey, I get it. Other people don't like going places by themselves, either. But you don't understand. When you've had someone tied to your hip with an invisible rope since birth, it's almost as if you're physically incapable of completing such a task. Who's going to talk to you while you compare the prices of the cheapest ranch dressing? Who's going to carry the extra bags of groceries due to the fact that you procrastinated shopping for a month? And MOST importantly---who's going to sit shot-gun in the car while you sing loudly to the Mariah Carey? It's not like you can just sit in the car in silence.

Symptom #2: The competitive streak that never really goes away.

There are those people who are competitive because they're insecure jerks who feel like they need to prove that they're better than everyone else. Then you have a twin--who's competitive nature comes from his upbringing. You're always be compared to someone pretty dang similar to yourself. If you screw up, well, there's always someone close to show your dear parents that you could have done better. I will note the fact that the guy upstairs gave me a tiny break by giving me a fraternal twin. So when it comes to things like sports, I don't feel the necessity of feeling bad that he'll always beat me. I'm pretty sure it's a physiological fact that boys are born with more muscles. (Please don't keep track of all my non-facts--I don't want to be discredited; then I might only have one reader instead of two). Alas, I can't pull the gender card when it comes to my brother being better at playing the clarinet, or getting better grades, or having the knack of making more people laugh. Realizations like these are dealt with by long nights of facebook stalking and chocolate.

Symptom #3: Hi, my name is Sheila, and I have creeper tendencies (see reference at end of note 2).

Fact. I have stalked down people who were in my class years ago in 2nd grade. Ya know, when I lived in Nevada for a brief period of time. Why did I feel the need to reconnect to people I barely knew? Heck if I know. Oh wait, yes I do. Twin-syndrome! (See, it really helps you feel good inside to have a reason for the things you do). But really--being a twin makes you feel like you need to have all these connections to everyone. It's kind of like a spiderweb. Most spiderwebs get damaged over time, so the spider builds new connections. But, being the way I am, my brain is wired in such a way that I feel like it's necessary to not only keep building new connections with people, but to make sure that none of the older parts of my web get damaged. Because obviously that would mean the end of the world.
Okay, so maybe not the end of the world. But do you call your mother 3 times a day? Didn't think so.

Symptom #4: You incorrectly believe that everyone in the world cares about the things you say.

Think about it. You have a twin. You have that twin connection thing going on. You grew up ALWAYS having someone who was willing to listen. Then life happened, and your twin wasn't 10 feet away from you anymore. So then you stupidly decide that everyone else in that 10 foot radius must obviously care about what's going to come out of your mouth. Yah, that glazed look means THEY'RE NOT LISTENING! But apparently your brain doesn't work fast enough to process that (or you're just in denial) because you'll continue to use them as a sounding board anyway. Go figure.


So you see, ladies and gents, being a twin is not all it's cracked up to be. And here I didn't even list separation anxiety. Not that I have it or anything. Just because I convinced my twin to lay down $600 just so we wouldn't have to be in different states on our birthday doesn't mean anything!

Amen.