So I'm finally probably going to have a baby.
From the interjection of "probably," it's likely pretty apparent that I'm still a bit in denial. But you guys have got to understand--for years, I've so successfully compartmentalized the act of being pregnant from its normal outcome (a child), that it's hard to bring the two back together.
Let me explain.
To say the least, Ben and I were devastated. I was so traumatized by both the emotional heartache and the physical duress I went through during the pregnancy that I refused to even think about trying again for two years.
From the interjection of "probably," it's likely pretty apparent that I'm still a bit in denial. But you guys have got to understand--for years, I've so successfully compartmentalized the act of being pregnant from its normal outcome (a child), that it's hard to bring the two back together.
Let me explain.
First Miscarriage
The first time Ben and I decided that we should expand our family was early in 2014. Things seemed to be going just peachy (and by peachy I mean I was super sick and wanted to die inside). Anyway, towards the end of my first trimester I go to my first ultrasound. At first I'm just told that the doctor is having a hard time seeing the baby clearly due to my scar tissue. Okay, fair enough. So they decide to do a different type of ultrasound. The technician takes me into a separate room where she proclaims I'm measuring 6 weeks. Confused, I tell her I'm much further along than that. At that point, she leaves the room to get my doctor, who tells me that I've had a miscarriage. You see, I had what they refer to as a "missed miscarriage." There is no heartbeat and the fetus is no longer viable, but your body just hasn't realized it yet. I chose to have a D&C a week later. (Side rant: if you are Mormon, puhhhhhlease do not refer to Doctrine and Covenants as "D&C"; the rest of the world associates this abbreviation with this procedure. Thank you.)To say the least, Ben and I were devastated. I was so traumatized by both the emotional heartache and the physical duress I went through during the pregnancy that I refused to even think about trying again for two years.
Ectopic Pregnancy
Last summer, Ben and I decided that we were emboldened enough to try again. During this time, about a week and a half after a "period," I started lightly bleeding. For about a week. Weird, right? But I ignored it because I was too busy with work. But then I started cramping and getting a sharp pain on my right side. So I call the nurse at my OBGYN and she tells me to go to the ER. After some tests, the doctor walks through the door and asks, "So you didn't know you were pregnant?!?"
I was shocked. So apparently, guys, I'm that weird person who gets a period even though they're pregnant. Go me. But at that point they tell me I've already miscarried because they didn't see anything in the ultrasound. But then I see my doctor on Monday, and I'm told that my HCG levels are too high for me to have already have miscarried. And they sprinkle some other hopeful words like, "maybe it's too early to see anything." Spoiler alert: it was ectopic. The original confusion was thanks to that silly period. My hypothesis is that my HCG levels were rising so slowly (as they do with an ectopic) that my body just short circuited. Because the opposing theory--that I was somehow 4 weeks pregnant a week after what would have been me ovulating--just doesn't cut it.
So after more pain that wouldn't go away, they decided it was ectopic and they gave me a drug called methotrexate to make me miscarry. Fun fact: this is a drug used in cancer treatment, because its essential function is to kill rapidly dividing cells. Like cancer. Or in my case, a fetus.
Surgery
There was an unintended consequence of my ectopic pregnancy (and I'm not just referring to a now blocked tube). Nope, when they were doing one of many ultrasounds, they were a bit mystified as to why I had fluid in one half of my uterus, and nothing in the other. So, we do a couple of tests and find out I was born with yet another birth defect (go me). It's called a septate uterus, and basically it means that I was born with an unnecessary wall in my uterus. Consequence? Super high chance of miscarriage, of course! My RE (Reproductive Endocrinologist) told me that based on my septum, my chances of miscarriage were in the 90% range. Anyway, he does the surgery and I'm approved to start trying to have a family again.
Next Tries
As you can imagine, with a blocked tube it took a bit longer to get pregnant. Not only that, but I'd dealt with so much disappointment that, after each failure, Ben and I would reassess to see if we were going to keep trying. After my next miscarriage, I think Ben was surprised that I was willing to try again.
Pregnant Again
Now we are caught up to my current pregnancy. Aaaand plat twist: it's been awful. It's a bit ironic, actually. Ben and I have worked so hard to get pregnant. Many prayers have been said and tears have been shed to get this point. Plus, I thought that after all the work we'd put into it that I'd get this cosmic break from awful morning sickness. But no. I'm actually kind of ashamed to admit that during my worst weeks of sickness, I sank into a kind of a despair because I was so miserable all the time. It was like having mono and the flu all wrapped into one devious mess. Currently, I'm 13 weeks and still sick. Now, not as bad as before, but I'm still throwing up 1-2 times a day and feel sick all day long. (Yes, I'm on medication, yes I eat small amounts throughout the day, no-preggie pops, peppermint, and ginger don't work for me).
But I'm finally to the point that I can see the light at the end of the tunnel, where I can see the bright side of things (I'm talking to you, 13 pounds lost). Not just that, but at my last ultrasound last week, I could see the baby kicking around and moving. So it's getting more real And I'm not as worried that all of this will have been for naught.
